Self-Compassion A Q&A with Jennifer Stern, LISW In your practice, are there any topics that come up on a regular basis? Yes. One topic that comes to mind is self-compassion, and how difficult it is for many clients to be patient, kind and caring with themselves. How is lack of self-compassion recognized? Lack of self-compassion is recognized when clients have difficulty recognizing their efforts as strength, their progress as growth and themselves as resilient. What additional side effects come from lack of selfcompassion? When people are self-critical, they often become frustrated, anxious and depressed, all of which affect their sense of self-efficacy. What suggestions can you give to individuals who tend to lack self-compassion? A book that does a nice job of exploring this topic is The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion, Freeing Yourself From Destructive Thoughts and Emotions, by Christopher K. Germer. He states, “Freeing yourself from the trap of destructive thoughts and emotions through self-compassion can boost your self-esteem from the inside out, reduce depression and anxiety, and even help you stick to your diet.” His book is divided into three parts: Discovering Self-Compassion, Practicing Loving Kindness and Customizing Self-Compassion. Germer talks about how pain creates a conflict between what things are and how we’d like them to be. We have all heard that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Bad things happen, and when they do, instead of focusing on what you cannot control focus on what you can. We each have the power to choose self-compassion. What do you feel the biggest barrier is to self-compassion? I absolutely believe it is impatience. Think of your self-talk when recovering from an illness or an accident: I should have been back at work by now! I should be walking by now! All I do is sleep; I should be back living my normal life by now! This is not how we would speak to a loved one or friend. Instead, we might validate their frustration while focusing on how far they have come in their recovery. We have the choice to offer ourselves this same compassion. So how would you encourage someone to become more self-compassionate? I would encourage them to practice replacing their negative self-talk with self-talk that focuses on what they are doing that they weren’t the week or month before, and to recognize and build upon their strengths rather than getting stuck in perceived weaknesses and limiting beliefs. Examples are: I got up and took a shower today, (even though I felt like staying in bed…this is an accomplishment). I walked around the block today, (it took me a long time and I had to take a nap after, but I did it, and it is a good start). By recognizing and honoring efforts and progress, you make the choice to become an active participant in your growth and healing. What other examples can you share? In any situation, you have a choice to practice self-compassion by recognizing what you ARE doing. For example, when grieving a loss, we expect to “get over” rather than “grow through.” Someone might say: I can’t believe I am still so sad. It has been several months and I still don’t feel like myself. I will never be happy again. These feelings are real but they do not have to define or limit you. What ARE you doing? Today I wrote in my journal, called a friend and went for a walk. I don’t feel like myself but I do feel stronger for taking care of myself. What other scenarios do you see where people lack self-compassion? Often times, people are impatient with and critical of themselves when trying to make a healthy lifestyle change. I stopped eating sugar and white flour and I still can’t lose the 20 pounds. I only walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes while the person next to me ran for 30. Stop diminishing your effort and undermining your commitment to a healthy lifestyle change with critical selftalk. Instead, choose to practice self-compassion by recognizing what you ARE doing. I made it to the gym today and walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes. I could not have done this a month ago. Today I had a healthy breakfast and lunch and did not snack between meals. Today I walked the stairs at work instead of taking the elevator. Lastly, what advice can you give to someone who wants to recognize the importance of self-compassion? Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. Be patient with yourself. Recognize that change, healing and growth take time. Understand the difference between self-talk that is motivating you to be your best self and critical self-talk that is keeping you stuck in a place of frustration and limiting beliefs. Choose to recognize and honor your efforts, your accomplishments and your active participation in living a healthier life. As Germer states, “Loving-kindness is something everyone needs and deserves, and that includes the compassion we can give ourselves.” For more information, Jennifer Stern can be reached at 216.464.4243. 36 Beachwood Buzz n April 2016