Ask PBC: Your Mental Health Q&A Q: I would like my children to respect me more. What am I doing wrong? Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Peggy Sue Smith, M.Ed., LPCC, responds: The most frequent concerns I have heard from parents for the past 12 years are usually related to children being respectful. Here are some examples: “If I raised my voice to my parents the way that my child talks to me, I would be in trouble.” “I took all privileges away and he just doesn’t care! What can I do???” “Spankings and punishments worked for me and I turned out okay.” “What’s the matter with kids today??” (That was a song from the ’50s.) It’s a different world for children today than it was for their parents. Our neighbors’ doors were open and most children felt safe on the street. Crises described in the newspaper or on TV were happening elsewhere. Today, children are aware of serious crime (often in their own neighborhoods). Rather than communicating and playing with friends on the playground or on the block, a technical device is preferred by many kids (and parents) to connect. Social media is taking over for real face-to-face talking – and these are only a few aspects of our lives that create challenges for parents. Consider this notion: Maybe we are having trouble really understanding them (our kids, that is) and need more “quality” listening time. Many parents today are working, taking care of the home, taking care of aging parents, driving kids to activities and trying to find time for social, personal and familial activities. The estimated average time most parents spend with their children daily is about 10 minutes (I am referring to quality time, simply being with your child and doing something that the child wants to do). When parents begin to double that statistic (20 minutes daily, 40 minutes three times a week or if possible two hours on the weekend) negative behaviors/feelings (which may be seen as disrespectfulness) typically diminish and the relationship is strengthened. Some parents triple or quadruple that quality time and see faster results. Parents who deeply love their children may be frustrated with the way kids express their feelings and thoughts. Often parents are perplexed. “What’s wrong with my child?” is a question I hear often. Many kids who are really in trouble are the ones who do not express what they are really feeling. The best question to ask is: “Are my kids able to really tell me what’s on their minds?” Don’t beat yourself up as a parent if you feel as though you are in a state of fear, frustration, anger - perhaps your kids are too! Open communication is the very best tool. Ask yourself: “What would Love do here?” “Your Mental Health Q&A” is part of a Beachwood community service program provided by PBC. Email your questions to info@psychbc.com. All identifying information will be held in strictest confidence in the PBC secure email system. 25101 Chagrin Blvd., Suite 100 Beachwood, OH 44122 216.831.6611 | www.psychbc.com Psychological & Behavioral Consultants September 2014 n Beachwood Buzz 13